Doubt is the path one walks to reach faith

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

The Bull found himself standing outside of Krem's apartment building, hands tucked into the pockets of his coat. He wore one, along with other layers, mostly because it was expected, and Dorian at least had refused to be seen in public with him if he didn't dress fully. That was fine; it was cold anyway, and even if he had been able to endure it during winters in Orlais and Ferelden, having a coat was nice.

He stood there for a long time, debating going in or going home. He didn't even know if Krem was home, hadn't thought to call ahead or text him. It could be that he was with one of his lovers. Well, if that was the case, he'd just leave. He headed inside, glad Krem wasn't up several flights of stairs. When he got to the familiar door he knocked, then stepped back. His frame filled most doorways, he found people didn't appreciate that when they opened the door.

When the door did open, he looked up. "Can we talk?"

Comments

[krempuff]

The comparison had fallen a bit flat, and Krem wasn't entirely sure how to recover it. He'd wanted to point out that he was himself to Bull, that it was an easy acceptance, because of what they did; he'd wanted to point out that Bull was struggling with the idea of being outside the Qun simply because it was a more difficult acceptance, because he had needed the other side to be everything that he was not.

His face pinched with frustration, but only for a moment. He just drove on ahead.

"My point," he said. "My point is that you accepted me because I was a soldier, and so of course I was what I said. It fit in your view of the world. You have said you are the Iron Bull--and what is he? Mercenary. Lover of redheads."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"The Iron Bull was - is? - a-- a cover. A fiction."

Krem was making good points; Bull knew he was being deliberately obtuse. It was easier than the alternative. He sighed and sank back on Krem's couch.

"I was toeing the line of Tal-Vashoth for a long time... but I told myself it was different. Playing a part. Faithfully sending letters. Hissrad was real, the Iron Bull wasn't." He frowned at his mug, turning it in his hands. "Losing the Chargers - you - almost broke me. Again."

[krempuff]

"The Iron Bull is real to me," Krem pointed out. He had never known Hissrad, in all the years he'd known the Iron Bull. Maybe bits and pieces, little snatches, but the man he had known for nearly a decade had only ever been the man before him now.

Perhaps that said that Bull was an excellent actor and spy. He that he meant more.

"Real to Dorian. Real to the people here."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

Bull was quiet for a long moment, then reached to pull Krem against his side. He just held him, maybe unfairly using him as a snuggle nug but it gave him some comfort for a moment. He was familiar and warm and living.

"I think this is worse that demons," he grumbled quietly.

[krempuff]

Krem moved along with Bull pulling him in. The feeling was mutual. Darrow was a strange place, out of sorts, and it was difficult to handle sometimes. But, ultimately, Krem was content here. He was more himself than he'd ever been able to be in Thedas. And, now, Bull was here. Krem was content with that, comforted.

He tangled his legs over Bull's legs and tucked his head against Bull's side. "Certainly harder to kill."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"There are good parts of the Qun," he said, like he needed to defend it. Bull knew better than many that it couldn't work for everyone, though. He had questioned it just once in the aftermath of something terrible. He sighed and rested the bridge of his nose against Krem's head.

He wouldn't go mad.

"Guess this means I can get back to living a life of excess." There was a smirk in his voice as he said it.

[krempuff]

Krem nodded. There were good parts of the Qun, and Krem wasn't denying that in any shape. The Qun had made Bull a fantastic leader, had crafted him into everything a mercenary corps could ask for.

He stayed curled up against Bull, and burst out a short, sharp laugh at the joke, the sarcastic tease that it was. "Yes," he said, shaking his head a little. "Join us in our excess, Chief. Good to know we've finally corrupted you to our side."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

Bull chuckled and shook his head a bit; he ended up nuzzling Krem's hair. "Guess I always had one foot over the line," he said quietly. "Damn good acting, huh?" He nudged Krem's temple before he lifted his head.

He sighed and let his head rest against the back of the couch, horns propped by the wall.

[krempuff]

"I don't know if it's acting if you tell everyone you're doing it, Chief," Krem said, but it was soft and affectionate. Krem had always been aware of the weight and toll of Bull's work. It was part of why he tended to keep to himself; better to handle his own problems, as much as possible, than to burden Bull with that. It hadn't always worked. But more often than not.

He kept close to Bull's side, curled in against him. There was a comfort in this that maybe there shouldn't have been for such a heavy conversation.

Softly, he said, "If it ever does happen. If you ever become a threat. We'll deal with it. I will. Dorian. We won't let you hurt anyone."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

"Thank you." He leaned down to lightly butt his head against Krem's. It was a dark thought, but it made him feel better to know that the two people he trusted most here would be the ones to put him down if it came to it. For their sake, he hoped not. He knew what it was like to kill people he'd cared for. "Feint on the left, go low. I won't see you."

He knew that Krem knew that, even if he never acknowledged it out loud. He'd seen first hand the injuries Bull had taken to that side since losing the eye: his leg, two missing fingertips, a dozen other scars.

"Tal-Va-fucking-shoth." He huffed and shook his head. "Gatt would shit himself."