If you love me, don't let go

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

The Iron Bull felt barely together some days. He struggled to hold onto the Qun, but there were no Qunari here. The Ben-Hassrath didn't exist if he needed to turn himself in. The were no tamassrans to help bring him back to center.

And there was nothing for him to beat the shit out of.

Even after fight club, he still felt-- something. A loss, a disquiet. He was struggling. Struggle is an illusion. He'd been thinking a lot; he hadn't had the Chargers to drink with and he and Krem only recently made amends. And he felt like he should figure this out on his own. Shouldn't he?

There's another option, Bull.

Dorian's voice played again and again in his head; he remembered the look on the mage's face when he realized that Bull was not Tal-Vashoth, apparently different from the one he remembered. He remembered how Dorian looked at him that night in his kitchen, all but pleading with him to let go of the Qun. Why, he wondered?

You can survive without the Ben-Hassrath. You can survive without the Qun. I've seen it.

He knew why; he supposed he knew why. Their people were at war. Part of him wanted to argue he could be Qunari and care this deeply about someone from Tevinter, that they were not mutually exclusive ways of being. He got on fine with Krem, after all. But, a deeper voice whispered, the Qun would always come first.

The Iron Bull stopped outside Dorian's door and knocked heavily, hoping he was home.

Comments

[propertool]

Of course I'm fussing, Dorian had said when Bull had brought it up. I put so many nice things in your place. As if someone would have wanted to lift throw pillows.

The streets were still busy this early at night, people rushing home from work and then out again for drinks with friends, or a movie. Dorian knew where to go to find the best street food, and headed them in that direction. He held Bull's hands. Dorian wasn't a hand-holder, as a rule, but tonight was different. Bull needed a solid touch. Any little bit of home to keep him grounded.

"I have to go to an educational seminar for work next week. They told me, 'be yourself, say something nice.' Well, I can't do both, can I?"

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

Bull felt grateful for Dorian's hand laced with his. It gave him a sort of grounding; even more so because it was Dorian, because Bull knew what it meant for him to do it. His thumb brushed over Dorian's as they walked. The comment made him smile.

"Mm, you might have to put on that mask. If you can manage to be cordial with Vivienne, I think you can survive a seminar. What is it for?"

[propertool]

"We're digitizing some of the older records at the library. I needed to be educated and certified -- apparently. You know, because I'm a medieval castle-dwelling savage and computers and very, very hard. How could I ever mnage on my own? It's not as if I work in a library."

He squeezed Bull's hand again. Maybe his bitching would distract Bull -- maybe. He was not easily distracted, not really.

"So I get to spend the day doing trust falls with Suzi-anne from the department one door down the hall. Goodie, what fun."

[shok_ebasit_hissra]

Though Bull had generally caught up with the concepts behind most of the technology he saw, he hadn't caught up with all the practical applications. He could manage his phone but only understood vaguely how it worked. Didn't matter, as long as it continued to do so.

So while he had a general idea of what digitizing a library might look like, it still sounded tedious. And a seminar about it sounded even more tedious. He chuckled and brushed his thumb over Dorian's.

"Could be worse. You could be doing trust falls with me."