shok_ebasit_hissra | When I became a man, I set aside childish ways.

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When I became a man, I set aside childish ways.

The Bull wasn't sure how he was supposed to settle in, but he would... find a way. He lived in the same building as Dorian, and that brought some small comfort. Cremisius was here somewhere, and that-- he didn't know how to deal with that yet. Instead he tried to learn he city. If he was stuck here he wanted to know every corner of it. It gave him something to focus on.

That was how he found himself in the park, near a playground, with a dozen children running around. He saw only a few adults that seemed to be tending them, and though they were all human (as far as he could tell), all he could think of were the tamassrans and their charges. He could almost remember being a rambunctious child. Ashkaari, they'd called him then.

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"It's good to keep some secrets. The things only you know are the most powerful," he said, watching Jack climb. Something in him tightens, warms with anger and the need to protect when Jack talks about being small, about big bad buys.

"I would not let anyone hurt you, Jack," he said, looking at the boy with his one good eye as he did. He was not only saying it; he meant it. Bull had a soft spot for children.

"I grew up in a place called Par Vollen, in a world very different from this one. I only arrived here a few days ago."

"I think if I'm with you then nobody would try to hurt me," I tell Bull. He's so big and he's got so much Strong! I don't think there are a lot of people who have more Strong than Bull, I feel very safe with him here. When I look around I can see some people look like they're a little scared of Bull, but I don't think I have to be scared, Bull's really nice. He's just big because he's got so much Strong.

I climb one more higher, then I sit down. I have to be careful and balance, otherwise I might slip.

"Par Vollen... I never heard of that place before. But there are lots of places I don't know because I only got to World not that long ago," I tell Bull. "And I, I got to Darrow a month ago so I didn't come that long ago either. Um, what's Par Vollen like? How's it different?"

"It's an island," he said. "With rainforests and jungles all over. We have cities, but nothing quite like this. The buildings and streets are all... different."

He moved closer and leaned on the climbing structure, content to watch Jack with his one good eye.

"I grew up with many other children. I didn't have a mother, not like you do. Qunari don't live in families."

"It's an island? Like there's water all around it?" I ask Bull. I didn't know about islands in Room but I learned about islands in School, because the teachers let me read lots of books so that I can ask about the stuff I don't know, most of that is because Ma didn't teach me in Room because she didn't want me to be sad about things that are not real. "I know about jungles, I learned about them in School, I never went to one though. I know they look really green and have lots of animals and I think teacher said they're hot, that sounds like it's pretty and fun."

Bull gets closer, I watch him back because when he's close I can see his face more, that will help me remember it.

My smile gets smaller when Bull tells me he doesn't have a Ma, that's really sad to me. "You didn't have a Ma? But how did you come down from Heaven then? I had to live in Ma's tummy after I came down from Heaven, that's how I got enough Strong to get out when I was a baby."

"Yes, exactly. The jungles could be dangerous, but they are also beautiful." Part of him misses them. Bull has spent a long time away from home.

He tipped his head, watching Jack get sad.

"I had a tama," he answered. "Someone gave birth to me, and my tama raised me. She raised other children, too, we all lived together. She taught us, took care of us if we were frightened or hurt, made sure that we had everything we needed to become big and strong. They even figured out what jobs we might be best at."

It's really hard for me to understand. Sometimes that's because I just didn't know about stuff in Room so now I have to learn lots of new stuff all at once! And other kids, they have years to learn it so it's not that hard for them. I'm learning that people come in all shapes and sizes, and families do too, but it's really hard for me to think about never having a Ma.

But the stuff that Bull says about his Tama, that sounds like stuff Ma did for me, stuff that your Ma or Dad is supposed to do.

"Did... did your Tama love you?" I ask him. That's one of the most important parts, he didn't say that yet.

Bull didn't know the answer to that question. As a child he felt cared for, he felt loved; he remembered the way she had comforted him after his nightmares. He met tamassrans that cared for children as an adult and he had seen how they looked at their young charges.

So, after a moment, he nodded. "Yes," he answered. "She did. And she made sure I became strong."

When Bull says that his Tama loved him, that makes me really happy. Even if she didn't have Bull in her tummy, she does all the other things that a Ma is supposed to do, I think that means she's his real Ma even if she didn't do the beginning part. I smile and I hold onto Jungle Gym more, then I climb higher so that I can be as tall as Bull's head even though he's a little far away.

"She, she did a really good job," I tell him and I smile. "Because you look like you've got lots of Strong. I hope I can have that much Strong someday but I think it'll be hard to practice that, you have so much."

"Everyone has different kinds of strong," Bull said, smiling when Jack climbs higher. He keeps a careful eye on him, ready to stop or slow a fall. He was big, but he could move quickly when he needed to.

"Just because someone's strong doesn't look like mine doesn't mean they don't have any. Some strong is all in your mind."

I have to think about that a little because I call all of that Strong, but I think Bull is right. Sometimes Strong is like when you have to have lots of Strong to cross the Rings, and sometimes Strong is like when you want to go to Heaven early but you know there's other things you have to do first, and sometimes Strong is like when you're sad but you don't cry. It feels different to use all those kinds of Strong but I think they're all important.

"Yeah, you're right," I say and I nod. "And sometimes Strong is in your feelings. I don't know how to exercise the other kinds of Strong though. Um, um sometimes I'm sad and then I have to use my Strong to talk to other people. But I don't want to practice being sad to get that Strong."

"You only get to practice those when they come up. But sometimes they do, and then you practice." Bull smiled, and somehow it made him seem less fearsome, less dangerous. He liked children, and Jack was particularly curious and eager to better himself. He could already imagine the tamassrans keeping an eye on him, gauging where he might end up, what duty he would be best suited for.

Not a soldier.

"Do you not like talking to people when you're sad?"

"Um..."

Bull asks really good questions, I don't think it's easy to just say yes or no, I have to think lots. That means I'm learning when he asks questions, like the questions they ask you at School to make you put your thinking cap on. I wiggle a little bit on the bar so that my butt's less sore, my balance is a little less when I do that but then I sit straight again. I think I'm getting better at it.

"I can talk to some people when I'm sad. I don't think I like talking to strangers when I'm sad because strangers don't know me, so they ask lots of questions and when I'm sad I just want hugs and stuff. But I like talking to Ma when I'm sad so I think sometimes it's good."

The Bull nodded. "It is good that you know that about yourself already. That's something some adults can't even do." He gave Jack a smile, watching as he balanced, wiggled, balanced again.

"And it's good to have someone to talk to when you feel sad. Do you have someone like that here?"

"Really? There's stuff I can do that grown-ups can't do?" I ask Bull, I'm kind of surprised by that because I thought grown-ups could do all the things that kids can and more. But maybe I shouldn't be too surprised because Leo says I can draw lots better than him and Leo's a grown-up.

I kick my legs, I'm not that sad anymore but I'm still thinking a lot. Is there somebody that I can talk to when I'm sad?

"Um... I think Andrea, Andrea I can say anything to. I've got, I've got lots of friends like Alec and Party Poison and Sunshine Detonator but Andrea, um. I told her more and she's really good at listening, I trust her lots and she makes lots of stuff better for me."

"Some adults are very bad at knowing what they're feeling, or how to handle it." Bull could probably be counted among them. He shifts his weight so he can itch the base of one of his horns. He filed away the names Jack said.

"Good. Everyone needs at least one person like that. I'm sure as you learn more people, you'll have more to talk to, no matter what you're feeling."

I listen when Bull tells me that it's hard for grown-ups to think and talk about their feelings sometimes. It makes me think of Ma, and sometimes Ma didn't talk to me or Grandma about things even, I think that just made her more angry and sad so maybe it would be better if she could talk to someone about it. I think she has to talk to the doctors now but maybe not talking made her start breaking before that.

"Do you have people that you talk to?" I ask Bull. He's really nice so I hope he has someone he can talk to and that way he doesn't hurt so much inside like Ma did.

"I used to," he said. "I think I still do. One of them is angry, though. I can't talk to him right now."

Krem needed space to work through feelings, without Bull's shadow looming over him. So he would try to give him that, to abide by his wish to remain distant. He missed him, though. He missed Krem all the time.

He tried to think of the Qun, tried to find some comforting phrase to latch onto. Since losing the Chargers, it was all he had.

I think about when Ma was most angry, that was only a little bit before she got broken. I hope that Bull's friend isn't almost going to be broken because that would be really sad and then Bull wouldn't have someone to talk to when he's sad. I don't know how to help him yet, I want to but I need to think more.

"Um. You can talk to me if you need somebody, I know I'm not a grown-up but I'm a good listener," I tell him, I start trying to get down from Jungle Gym because I think that way I can be closer to Bull. "And if, if you want somebody to talk to your friend then I can try. Or I can help you find a doctor that your friend can talk to, I think doctors are the best when you're angry and don't want to talk to your family. They know how to make the broken parts feel better."

"That is a kind offer."

Bull kept an eye on Jack as he eased off the climbing bars, but he seemed to have it well in hand, so he didn't offer help. It was good for children to learn what they can do without someone rushing in to rescue them.

"I think my friend just needs time to feel what he is feeling. Maybe when he is ready we can be... friends again."

He hoped so, anyway. It felt strange to have Krem right there and yet almost untouchable.

Bull says that I'm being kind, that's good, I think being kind is a good thing. They're teaching us how to be kind and share at School, when we do that then we can make lots of friends. Bull says that he wants to be friends with that person again.

I didn't know that people can stop being friends.

"I think... I think you're a really nice person so I think you're a really nice friend, too," I say to Bull. "I think your friend will want to be friends with you again. He just needs to get better first."

"I probably haven't always been a good person." He'd never lied to the core group of the Chargers, he'd told them what and who he was. But since he lost them the question of if he could have - should have - done more plagued his nightmares. But the Qun demanded it. How could he do anything less?

"Maybe," he said. "I think all I can do is give him time to figure it out on his own."

Was he really having this conversation with a child?

Bull says he hasn't always been a good person. I know that people make mistakes, but Grandma said that even if people do bad things, if they say sorry and they fix it next time then they're probably not all bad. Like Old Nick was all bad because he didn't feel sorry about tricking Ma, he tricked her and then kept her in Room for a really long time. But Bull seems nice now and I think he looks like he's sorry to his friend.

"Um, if you say sorry and... and try to do more nice things, if you have a good heart, then you're a good person now I think," I say, and I come down a little more. "I hope things will be okay with you and your friend. Because I think we're more happy when we have our friends close."

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When I became a man, I set aside childish ways.

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